Do you feel that you got what you needed from your mother? Do you feel that you get what you need from life? The two can be interrelated. When we feel nurtured and supported by our mothers, we often feel nurtured and supported in life. Conversely, when we feel that our mothers couldn’t give us what we needed, we often feel shortchanged by life. If we didn’t feel safe or supported early on, as adults, we can experience life—the food we eat, the environment we live in, the relationships we have—as being unsupportive and unsafe.

Focusing on what we didn’t get can bring us even more suffering and unhappiness. We can’t change what was, but we can change what is. A new relationship with our mother is possible, even if she has passed away. If she is alive, however, there is one cardinal rule: Don’t expect her to change or be any different than who she is. It is you who must hold the relationship differently. You can receive something good from her, even if there is only a small opening. Honor her by giving yourself the things she couldn’t give. To see you expand in life is a great gift to her.

Here is something you can do tonight. Place a photo of your mother on your nightstand or tape it on the wall above your pillow. Ask her to hold you while you sleep. As you lie in bed, feel her there behind you, caressing you. Feel her love like a current of energy supporting you, giving you strength. Fully take it in. Tell her, “Mom, what you give me is more than enough.” This would be the greatest gift you can give her. When you fully take what your mother gives, she becomes full. She feels complete, and you feel complete. Have a completely wonderful Mother’s Day.

When you think of your mother, does your heart open with compassion or tighten with resentment? Do you allow yourself to feel her tenderness and care? The way you take in her love can be similar to how you experience love from a partner.

What’s unresolved with your parents doesn’t automatically disappear. It serves as a template that forges your later relationships. Maybe you‘ve experienced this with a partner. If you felt you didn’t get enough from your mother, perhaps you also feel that you don’t get “enough” from your partner. It’s a harsh reality, but it’s true more often than not.

The same holds true with your father. Your unresolved relationship with your father will also show up in your love life.

A woman, for example, who rejects her father, can repeat the fate of her mother by attracting a partner who behaves similarly to the father she rejects. In this way, she brings what she dislikes about her father back into her life. Not only that, but by reliving her mother’s experience, she joins her mother in her discontent.

A man who rejects his father might not have the resources to commit to his partner. Let’s say he was extremely close with his mother and not so close with his father—a very common dynamic for many men.  A man in this situation is likely to experience resistance when he bonds with his partner. He might find himself shutting down emotionally or physically, fearing that his partner, like his mother, will want or need too much from him. The remedy is a closer bond with his father. 

Conversely, a woman who’s closer to her father than her mother is likely to feel unsatisfied with the partners she selects. The root of the problem is not them. It is the distance she feels toward her mother. A woman’s relationship with her mother can be an indicator of a how fulfilling her relationship will be with her partner.

Rejecting our parents only brings us suffering. The emotions, traits and behaviors we reject in our parents often live on in us. It’s our unconscious way of loving them, a way to bring them back into our lives. Even our bodies will feel some degree of unrest until our parents are experienced inside us in a loving way.

Thich Nhat Hanh teaches that when you’re angry with your parents, “You get angry with yourself. Suppose the plant of corn got angry at the grain of corn.” He tells us: “If we’re angry with our father or mother, we have to breathe in and out and find reconciliation. This is the only path to happiness.”

It makes no difference whether your parents are living or deceased. If you want peace in your love life, you must be at peace with your parents. Family Constellations can make this possible. This effective, three-dimensional process can help you disentangle from old feelings and patterns that complicate your life. If you’re ready to open the door to healing with your parents, click here for more information about an upcoming workshop in your city.